To be or not to be… Friends with your ex!

Now that I have managed to get my head around technology I can finally get down to the business of writing, which is what I generally do best.

Sooo, we all know about what happens at the end of a relationship, the “its not me, its you” (No I mean it that way) the crying the getting over your heart break yadda yadda, but what about when all of that is over and done?  What if your ex wants you to be friends? Surely as mature adults we should be able to just get along? Send each other messages regularly and chat about the weather or some other mundane topic?  Maybe hook up for a drink once in a while and congratulate each other on milestones?  Are you nodding your head in agreement?  STOP!

Unless you and your ex run a business together or share children, there is absolutely no reason for you to remain friends!  9 out of 10 times when a relationship ends, somebody’s heart is broken and they are miserable, making the end of a relationship the worst way to possibly start a friendship! It’s the equivalent of someone deliberately stabbing you in the face with a broken bottle and then saying “hey lets be friends”. Anyone who believes they can be friends with their ex is delusional because it just doesn’t work; it defies all the parameters of what defines friendship.

There is always a reason behind an offer of friendship from an ex and it could be one of the following (I love lists):

1. They are not over you and are hoping that being friends might be a way of getting back together

2. You have just been downgraded to Booty Call status

3. They are evil and are trying to stop you from moving on with your life by staying in your face.

4. They have self-esteem and ego issues and want to know of any new developments in your life

5. They have self-esteem and ego issues and they want you to know of every development in their lives!

6. They never loved you that way and would have always preferred that you just remained friend.

If the reason is No. 1 and if you feel the same way then by all means be friends, get back together and live happily ever after. If it is any of the other 5 reasons then hell freaking no you don’t need that friend!

Regardless of the pitfalls of being friends with the ex, we all still do it and I don’t know if I am alone in saying it is really a recipe for further heart break.  Most of the time when we accept this friendship  we tell ourselves it’s because of reason No.1 , we believe that our ex is still in love with us and is hoping that being our friend will help to draw us close and repair the burnt bridges.  More often than not its everything else but that.

So how do you know your friendship with your ex is not going to work?

1. You still love him/her and you still want to get back together with them

2. He/she broke your heart

4. You don’t want them to move on

If you still love someone, how does it benefit you to agree to just be friends with them? You know full well its not what you want but you agree to it anyway, then whenever you talk you try and steer the conversation to how good you were together. “Good together”?  Are you serious, this Mo’ Fo dumped your ass without even a second thought and you think you were “good together” ?  They broke your heart and left you crying on your pillow for weeks and the moment you are over your broken heart they are back and want to be friends?  Is that some sort of cruel joke?  Where were they when you couldn’t listen to the radio because like Neyo you were “So sick”? Or when seeing a single dove made you weep because it reminded you that “one is for sorrow”!  When you called them and left messages begging them to call you back and they never did!  And now you think this person has the right to be your friend uh-uh no no no no no no no!

How are you going to feel in a month or so when they start telling you about their hot new man/woman?  Are you going to do the friendly thing, congratulate them and be happy for them or are you going to go back crying on your pillow?  Seriously this is foolishness and you need to move on!   And to all those insisting they want to be friends with an ex, get it into your thick skull, the relationship is over DON’T GO AWAY ANGRY, JUST GO AWAY!

My 2 cents worth!

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3 thoughts on “To be or not to be… Friends with your ex!

  1. Another great article!!! This has always been my wonder… like seriously, from passionate lovers to friends?! What the??!!! I don’t buy that one bit. If he’s gone, he’s gone! Some people use the argument that since you started your relationship as friends, you can downgrade it again and go back to how things were. Eeerr, no!

    Once you’ve entered another sphere of a person’t life, a deeper level, you can’t just erase that and smile as though it never happened. The funny feeling you get in your stomach when you are in love with some, the fantasies, and then the pain and heartache, the anger that soon melts back into love and adoration – are you seriously telling me that can all go away with a nice and cordial shake of the hands and a declaration to “just be friends!”

    The truth is that many times, we are friends with the ex for reasons 2-6. We are insecure, or have been hurt so bad, that we want to show him/ her that life is better without them. I don’t know if you know Dawn French and Lenny Henry, but they are this British couple that recently divorced after 25 years of marriage. Soon after that, the woman who was morbidly obese lost a truck of weight and revealed her new self (ie. look how I hotttt I can look without you you filth!) and then guess what? The man followed suit a few months later and lost a bagful of weight. While I’m sure there’s a genuine desire for health to all of this, the fact remains that the sweetest triumph in life is to show the ex that life got sooooo much better when they exited the stage.

    These are psychological games that we play with each other.

  2. fadzayi says:

    So true about the mind games! If you have been in a deep loving and intimate relationship with someone, turning around and saying lets just be friends is really unrealistic. Maybe there are some people who it works for but it has never worked for me!

  3. Kombo says:

    Great article Miss Chambati, i think you shouldn’t be friends. One of you is bound to be hurt, because 1) one of you is still in love with the other person, and the other doesn’t feel the same, 2) friends with benefits??? hmmmm it works once or twice, after that someone will get attached and hurt. i think just be civil with each other, and if no kids are involved no need to be friends.

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